u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
