drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
