I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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