Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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