I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
