no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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