Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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