Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
