For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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