I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
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