Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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