Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
