Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
