never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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