i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
is it fun? or sober?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
