End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
