I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
