I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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