I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
