Don't you send me to vm
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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