i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
