I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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