I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
