Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
