I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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