my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
