oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
