Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
