i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
