Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
