I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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