Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They took my balls.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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