woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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