I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize