College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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