i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
