how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
