In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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