i think my tv is drunk
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
