Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
