I want to walk on stilts...naked
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize