I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
