dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
