awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
