Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
