Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
