That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
