and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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