So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
