You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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