I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
