All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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