I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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