I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
